Why are we here?

I have questioned faith and everything in between. As I sit and type this, i can hear my mother sobbing from upstairs yelling for God to speak to her. Reciting "Our Father" over and over again. I've tried to write about this in my personal journal at home with pen and paper, but i found that nothing came out. I have been staying in quite a lot, if you haven't seen me its because i've been at home with my mom. She's the strongest person i know. I go out from time to time, to hang out with friends because let's face it, everybody needs a morale boost from time to time. And i'm proud to be her daughter. I just wish i could take her pain away.I know i can't, that she has to find her own strength, just as everybody does. But it doesn't mean it doesn't kill me to hear her like this. I believe in God, and i do have faith. I have gotten stronger over the years and i know that if i want to find a way through life, i don't have to just keep walking down the path that i already have, but i have to break through walls to find my own way. As cheesy as that may sound, I believe this wholeheartedly. I have a lot in my life to be thankful for and i'm getting back to the point where i know i'll be okay. I just have to find things that make me happy, find a way to get to my happiness again. I'll get there, its just taking a little longer than usual. I'm searching for a job like crazy, working out 5 days a week, slowly getting back into vegetarianism. Getting my life back, healthier. Happier. Of course i have obstacles to overcome and I am. And even though i feel weak now, i'll get back up. I always get back up. And i'll be okay.

On a lighter note: My brother comes home a week from monday. I haven't seen him in almost 6 months. I couldn't be more stoked to see him. He knows me better than anyone. And it will be good to have someone who really gets me to be around, even for a week. I love him more than life. Can't wait.

“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.” - drew barrymore.



i want to feel this way again.

all i need.

seriously, without these girls my life wouldn't make sense.
thank you, the 3 of you, for putting up with my shit.
being there reguardless of the outcome.
i love you.
they are my family.

ANOTHER BREATH.

Splinters buried to the bone. Headaches like aneurysms - One can only hope. Nightmares ever harder to control. Always in the back of my mind. Never letting go. No, I can't explain this to you because it's different for everyone but I feel like I'm drowning face down in the bathtub. Too weak to pick my head up. This is the voice of nothing. Nothing left to gain. And I'm standing here screaming my lungs out just to ease the pain. The more I fight, the more I fail. Exhaustion. Letting go. But I have learned that healing is something that happens, not something that you do. Pick a scar and tell a story. I'll tell you one of my own about addiction and self-loathing and a lack of self-control and the cuts I couldn't leave alone. So I pick my flesh straight down to the bone. A compulsion. A failed attempt to regain control. Some things are out of our hands. Dreamscapes in orange remind me that the cure for pain. So in my head I just keep repeating, "This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass, This too shall pass." Life. Love. Remorse. Regret. Lost hope. This too shall pass. As this began, so shall it end.


I had forgotten how good this band is. I was driving to the vet to pick up my dog and put in an old burned cd and this is what i found. Another Breath. Like seriously this band got me through some rough times and I have always loved them. I'm so glad i rediscovered a band that I love. This song especially, hits home a lot.

This is my best friend Lindsay.
Lindsay helps me through times when i can't seem to breathe or even stand.
I can get through anything because i always have her in my life.
She is the strongest person i know and right now i'm upset at myself for being shitty to her.
Lindsay, if you read this i am sorry and i miss you in my life everyday.
As shitty as that apartment was, I loved it because i saw you 24/7.
My life isnt the same when i can't wake up on the weekends to you on the couch watching party monster.
I love you and i'm sorry i sucked.

In this miserable city, where status is gold.

DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE, EXCUSE ME?
I THOUGHT I HAD MADE MYSELF CLEAR.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE.
what do i have to do to be left alone?



got my hair cut today. all one length.

NO LOVE CAN SAVE ME.

I wish life was so much more less complicated then it is.
I wish i was really good at not overanalyzing everything.

It's cold as fuck outside, its amazing.
oh also, this too.